How to have better relationships.

People often engage in destructive behaviours, consciously. There’s a lack of harmony in our relationships and we know we’re not helping. So we try to work on things, but it doesn’t get better. Now, not only are these relationships suffering, but internally we are in a state of disarray.

Conflicted wants within the self create disharmony in our relationships.

How can we help ourselves feel better and know what we want?

I want to bring to your attention some powerful therapeutic tools. Doing these myself, I’ve found them to be highly effective in restoring my own equilibrium. My hopes are that you will utilise these when you see fit. I believe if you do, it will show you the way. YOUR way. 

Free writing and free speaking is tremendously useful in getting things off your chest and understanding what you truly want. When you have that, you’re more capable of making decisions about your life and the direction of it. Let’s define. 

Free writing Writing out freely all your thoughts, feelings and perspectives. Keep a notebook for this or have paper handy.

Free speaking Speaking out freely all your thoughts, feelings and perspectives. Record yourself on your phone or other recording device. 

When we keep things in, our overall health and wellness is impacted and these states are not conducive to healthy relationships. What can you give when you’re running on empty? How can you be truly good to others when you aren’t to yourself? Relationship dilemmas leave a person conflicted, because there are opposing aspects of the psyche. One part wants this and the other wants that. It’s hard to know what the right thing is because we feel so split.

Don’t fight it. Let yourself split and get to know these different parts of you

Write it and get it out. Gather your thoughts.
Write it and get it out. Gather yourself.

Think of free writing and free speaking as word vomit, which will create a mind map to your truth. It is a potent way of releasing energy out of your system. And know, whatever you ‘vomit’ it most likely isn’t going to be pretty. However, like vomiting, you’ll feel better afterward. Feel free to contradict yourself and be the ultimate hypocrite!  You will likely swear a lot. Give yourself permission to say the things you’ve always wanted to plus more, it’s all good. What is unconscious is becoming conscious. And don’t worry, no one has to see it. You can always destroy/delete it later on if you feel so inclined, or just put it somewhere safe. This is for you. This isn’t about anyone or anything else other than you getting to know you.

Here are some writing templates to start you off with, if you’d like a prompt –

. Right now, I just feel…..

. I can’t believe that…

. Fuuuccckkkkkkk…

. I’m so fucking mad right now i could…

. (Write/speak out the events, this will encourage your feelings toward it to trickle into the content)

If you’re struggling with what to say or write, you’re probably thinking too much. Just let out a big ‘argahhhhhhhhhhh’ to unwind. Make whatever sounds let you feel that release. Find a quiet cosy space where you won’t disturb others and go for it.

Speak it out and get it out.
This will release your frustration.

This practice assists you in forging your own perspective. Knowing what you want, how you feel and what you think. Only then, do you have something substantial and real to offer others. 

What creates resistance to this kind of practice is that we’re often in a rush to ‘fix things’. We don’t give ourselves enough time to be in ambivalence because it is typically not a valued state. The bottom line is, you cannot force a response out of another. It’s not the way to authentically get what you want. Let patience teach you something valuable about yourself and focus on taking care of you. In doing that, you’ll arrive at a point where you unequivocally know what you need.

Forcing an answer or decision out of yourself is no better. If you don’t feel at peace with what you’re offering the other, then you have bypassed your heart. The mind trends toward what ‘makes sense’ and uses logic to justify its moves. But deep down you still feel awful about it. If something doesn’t feel right, it means something isn’t.

When you allow yourself to be in ambivalence, to feel it, to express it, the light of clarity starts peeking through. It naturally arises when you allow whatever state you’re in. It’s hard to know how you truly feel  and want you really want, when you’re in the middle of a fight or reeling in frustration post fight.  So stop. Stop trying to figure out how to ‘fix things’. Let yourself be confused. Let yourself be upset .That’s all you’ve got in the moment and it’s okay. It’s enough.

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